The Wrestling Thread

PRESHOW GIGGLES:
Mark Henry and Jack Swagger vs Darren Young and Damien Sandow vs The Dudley Boyz vs The Ascension - match/10. 101 WAYS TO BURY THE TAG DIVISION
Sandow was the only positive. Everyone else sucked. BUT HEY, Henry and Swagger won, so...the crowd wins too or...or something.

THE REAL STUFF:
Dean Ambrose vs Kevin Owens (Last Man Standing but you don't really have to be standing) (Intercontinental Championship) - 4/5. GOOD START TO THE YEAR
The best match of the night due to the combined performance of Dean and Kevin, WWE execs are not capable of putting together something this good. The back and forth nature with the weapons was impressive, and Owens looked strong despite the loss. Ambrose deserved to win, made sense that he keep the belt, though it did feel like Owens was doing most of the work. Match of the year already?

The New Day vs. The Usos (Tag Team Championship) - 2/5. IT'S ALL DOWNHILL FROM HERE
Eventually the WWE has to find another tag team to hold the belts, right? This is getting really old, I stopped caring about The New Day a long ass time ago, as did a lot of people, and most people want to see someone else win. Do something fun or interesting with the Usos or let them go, this is a waste. They deserve so much better. Half this roster deserves better.

Alberto Del Rio vs Kalisto (Mexico Championship) - 2/5. WEIRD, IT'S LIKE NOBODY CARES ABOUT THE BELT
Half of Botchamania is going to be this match. Strange, because these two have had good matches, but here they look out of sync and kept stumbling out of place and missed obvious spots. Not to say they didn't look good at times here, but they messed up spots, and it's glaring. Maybe Kalisto holds the belt for more than a week?

Charlotte vs Becky Lynch (Divas Butterfly thing) - PEE/BREAK. BROUGHT TO YOU BY CHEX MIX
I saw a fight reel for this that made it feel like it would be a huge brawl with a lot of big spots and might be a good divas match worth watching, and then it turned out to be something you'd see on a so-so RAW. All anyone is gonna take away from this match is Ric Flair kissed Becky Lynch and it was creepy, which sucks, cause Lynch looked strong I guess. Let's go with that, I watched a small highlight.

Royal Rumble Match - 2.5/5. IF I DRINK ENOUGH, MAYBE I CAN FORGET THIS EVER HAPPENED
I'll put a TL;DR at the end, but for now, let's get into it. People are going to say this was good. They're going to say that WWE made smart moves with setting up rivalries and maybe some of what they did was fine. However you can't ignore the shit and slap a positive label on the whole match and say "YEAH THAT WAS PERFECT, GREAT JOB". They did the same thing last year, y'know the one that was basically the worst Royal Rumble of all-time?

You know why the fans cheered when Triple H won, when Roman was eliminated? CAUSE REIGNS IS BORING AS FUCK. He's bad in the ring, bad on the mic, and you don't do anything interesting with him. You're at a point where you just hand the title to literally anybody and the crowd pop is gigantic. That was the most predictable ending possible, something crowds hate, and they fucking loved it.

Ok so, let's start from the beginning. Roman Reigns, Mr. I'm Strong and I Enter From the Stands even though S.H.I.E.L.D. is dead and the gimmick doesn't work anymore if the group is dead you fucking twat, is #1 because muh championship, and #2 is Rusev. So right away, I think 30 seconds in Rusev go bye bye, hit ground like bulgarian boulder. NEXT.

AJ Styles looked awesome, but I wish he had entered later on for a bigger pop (late entries always get bigger pops). Still, lasted a long time, did good. Brock Lesnar looked strong, should have won or been near the end, instead gets eliminated in a dumb way to set up a rivalry with the Wyatts because WWE needs someone to fight them I guess. Or whatever. The Wyatts did look strong, so that was good. Kofi Kingston did the thing where he goes over the rope but doesn't get eliminated again, before you ask no it wasn't that clever and yes it's getting very old but someone out there likes it I guess. Chris Jericho was in there forever, I swear he did some stuff, and then he sat in the corner for half an hour to collect a paycheck. Seeing Zayn and Owens brawl was pretty great, albeit short. Speaking of short, Mark Henry and Jack Swagger were in this match, but I never saw then enter or get eliminated, so nice job competing guys.

All that fun stuff, all that positivity I just mentioned? Here's where none of it matters anymore, because this will ruin it. Brock getting eliminated ruined the opportunity to set up a scenario late where you would have Lesnar, Ambrose, Sheamus, Reigns, and Triple H. But before we get here, let's discuss how Roman Reigns managed to get here. After all, it's no easy feat starting at #1 and lasting until the end when everyone has entered. Well, normally it wouldn't, but it helps when you leave like halfway and come back at the end. Reigns was attacked by the League of Nations and got the shit kicked out of him and taken to the back, all the while nobody thinks to toss him into the ring and have him eliminated so he can't possibly win and get it over with early on. Doesn't matter now, too late, because he came back, and now he's stronger. Roman does Roman things, punch, punch, other move, elimination, punch. Suddenly, as I pour the last drink, Triple H beats on Reigns one last time and actually eliminates him. Holy crap, someone else will be champ. BUT WHO? Well, you know, but whatever. So between Ambrose and Triple H, a chance to see Ambrose have two belts AND headline Wrestlemania, now that would be incredible. WWE recognizes how incredible that would be, and thus smashes that dream to pieces posthaste by giving Triple H the belt because if there's anyone on this roster that needs it, clearly it's him, he's never held that fucking belt before.

Meanwhile everyone else is left wondering if that actually just happened, Reigns fans (do they exist?) are pissed, Lesnar fans are pissed, I guess everyone else is satisfied especially AJ Styles fans, but for the most part, this is stupid. You just took the belt away from a heel that nobody likes, and clearly it's nobody if you pay attention to any crowd, and gave it to another heel that is hated not nearly as much but can't really move all that much in the ring. I see we've learned a lot after TLC, which is to say not at all.

TL;DR