The Wrestling Thread

Shin beats Jinder clean, and Corbin cashes in on Shin. Seems beliveable, considering their recent rivalry.

EDIT: welp I just watched this weeks smackdown, and now I feel dumb haha.

Remember, you need to give answers to all the things to be eligible for the ZIv Challenge belt.

---

I'll take a crack at this.

CARD PREDICTIONS (WORTH THREE POINTS EACH):
Akira Tozawa vs Neville for the Cruiserweight Championship: Akira Tozawa
Sheamus & Cesaro vs 2/3 of The Shield for the Raw Tag Team Championship: Sheamus & Cesaro
The Usos vs The New Day for the SmackDown Tag Team Championship: The New Day
AJ Styles vs Kevin Owens for the United States Championship: AJ Styles
[unconfirmed] The Miz vs Jason Jordan for the Intercontinental Championship: The Miz
Alexa Bliss vs Sasha Banks for the Raw Women's Championship: Sasha Banks
Naomi vs Natalya for the SmackDown Women's Championship: Naomi
Randy Orton vs Rusev: Randy Orton
John Cena vs Baron Corbin: Baron Corbin
Big Show vs Big Cass: Big Cass
Finn Bálor vs Bray Wyatt: Finn Bálor
Jinder Mahal vs Shinsuke Nakamura for the WWE Championship: Shinsuke Nakamura
Brock Lesnar vs Roman Reigns vs Samoa Joe vs Braun Strowman for the Universal Championship: Brock Lesnar

SPECIAL PREDICTIONS (WORTH TWO POINTS EACH):
Cruiserweight Title: How long will this match last? (closest gets 2pts, bonus point for everyone within 60 seconds): 7:45
Will Carmella cash in and if so, will she win? (3pts if both are right, 2pts if only first is): No cash in.
Who wrecked Breezango's office?: Harper/Rowan
Will Enzo Amore throw down a weapon, and if so, what? (3pts if both are right, 2pts if only first is): Yes, a chain necklace.
US Title: Who will attack first, AJ on Shane, KO on Shane, or Shane on either of AJ/KO?: Shane on AJ
Raw Tag Title: Will Rollins and Ambrose 'accidentally' attack each other?: Yes, this is how the match ends.
Smackdown Tag Title: Will Kofi intefere?: Yes
WWE Title: When the Singhs inevitably intefere, will their inteference directly (i.e. distraction leading into finisher) lead to the end of the match?: Singhs will interfere but it won't lead to Jinder winning.
WWE Title: How long will this match last? (closest gets 2pts, bonus point for everyone within 60 seconds): 16:30
Universal Title: Who gets pinned/submitted?: Samoa Joe
Universal Title: How long will this match last? (closest gets 2pts, bonus point for everyone within 60 seconds): 22:00
Which match will Bleacher Report give the best grade to?: Jinder Mahal VS Shinsuke Nakamura
Which match will Bleacher Report give the worst grade to?: Big Show vs Big Cass
What will be the recorded attendance (for reference, last SummerSlam in the same location was 15,974 | closest gets 2pts): 15,665
How many title belts will change hands tonight? (new champion -> MITB cash-in still counts as 1): 2

---

You Chet Ubetcha ass I will review this one. Bringing back the best wrestling reviewing series ever. It's gonna be exciting. Anyways, yes I'll be answering these questions... Again, these are predictions and NOT who I'm rooting for, incase someone is confused.

CARD PREDICTIONS (WORTH THREE POINTS EACH):
Akira Tozawa vs Neville for the Cruiserweight Championship: Neville...I feel like he's gonna win it right back
Sheamus & Cesaro vs 2/3 of The Shield for the Raw Tag Team Championship: The Shield
The Usos vs The New Day for the SmackDown Tag Team Championship: The New Day ofc
AJ Styles vs Kevin Owens for the United States Championship: AJ Styles
[unconfirmed] The Miz vs Jason Jordan for the Intercontinental Championship: Jason Jordan unfortunately
Alexa Bliss vs Sasha Banks for the Raw Women's Championship: *sigh* Sasha Banks
Naomi vs Natalya for the SmackDown Women's Championship: Carmella
Randy Orton vs Rusev: Randy Orton... he has to pick up a victory after those embarassing losses to that jobber world champion.
John Cena vs Baron Corbin: LOLCENAWINS
Big Show vs Big Cass: Big Cass
Finn Bálor vs Bray Wyatt: Finn Balor
Jinder Mahal vs Shinsuke Nakamura for the WWE Championship: Shinsuke Nakamura. PLEASE.
Brock Lesnar vs Roman Reigns vs Samoa Joe vs Braun Strowman for the Universal Championship: OOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Roman Reigns

SPECIAL PREDICTIONS (WORTH TWO POINTS EACH):
Cruiserweight Title: How long will this match last? (closest gets 2pts, bonus point for everyone within 60 seconds): 15 minutes
Will Carmella cash in and if so, will she win? (3pts if both are right, 2pts if only first is): Yes and yes
Who wrecked Breezango's office?: Luke Harper and Erick Rowan
Will Enzo Amore throw down a weapon, and if so, what? (3pts if both are right, 2pts if only first is): No, he won't
US Title: Who will attack first, AJ on Shane, KO on Shane, or Shane on either of AJ/KO?: AJ Styles will most likely bump into Shane
Raw Tag Title: Will Rollins and Ambrose 'accidentally' attack each other?: No, I don't think so this time.
Smackdown Tag Title: Will Kofi intefere?: I would be a fool if I said no. OF COURSE ALL 3 OF THEM WILL DO THAT CRAP.
WWE Title: When the Singhs inevitably intefere, will their inteference directly (i.e. distraction leading into finisher) lead to the end of the match?: Yes
WWE Title: How long will this match last? (closest gets 2pts, bonus point for everyone within 60 seconds): 20 minutes maybe?
Universal Title: Who gets pinned/submitted?: Brock Lesnar gets pinned
Universal Title: How long will this match last? (closest gets 2pts, bonus point for everyone within 60 seconds): 25 minutes
Which match will Bleacher Report give the best grade to?: Probably the WWE Championship Match
Which match will Bleacher Report give the worst grade to?: Big Show vs Big Cass
What will be the recorded attendance (for reference, last SummerSlam in the same location was 15,974 | closest gets 2pts): 18555
How many title belts will change hands tonight? (new champion -> MITB cash-in still counts as 1): 6

---

This year's Summerslam seems like a fycking mess. I don't think I can survive 4+ hours of WWE 2010s style wrestling. I must be getting old.

---

quick nxt review

Match: Johnny Gorgano vs Andrade Cien Almas
Result: Almas won what was an epic match
Rating: 10/10; Great Start
My Comment: Where's Tommaso Ciampa?

Match: Sanity vs Authors of Pain
Result: Holy shit, Sanity defeated the Authors of Pain for the Tag Team Championship! Also Kyle O'Reilly and Bobby Fish ran in and attacked everybody from both teams.
Rating: 10/10, awesome.
My Comment: Who the hell are the heels and faces?

Match: Aleister Black vs Japanese CM Punk
Result: Before the match started, there was a band performing Aleister Black's theme, and it was fun to watch. Anyways, Aleister Black won.
Rating: 8/10
My Comment: What the fuck is happening to Hideo Itami?

Match: Ember Moon vs. Female Goldberg
Result: One of those situations where it wouldn't make business sense if the champion retained their title but they still do retain their title. Asuka won.
Rating: The ending made me rage, but this was arguably the match of the night. 10/10
My Comment: WWE's Creative Team is fair and balanced. (1)

Match: Drew McIntyre vs. Bobby Roode
Result: Holy shit, Vince McMahon must've been asleep or gone, because WWE surprised us for once and had Drew McIntyre actually win the NXT Championship. Usually, they're against pushing wrestlers we like. Oh, also Kyle O'Reilly and Bobby Fish re-entered the ring, then Adam Cole ran in from behind and ambushed Drew McIntyre. inb4 another invasion angle
Rating: 9/10
My Comment: BRING BACK DREW MCINTYRE'S BROKEN DREAMS THEME.

Overall rating: 9/10, I will be back after Summerslam!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Edited after Summerslam.

Welcome to the consecutive hottest /mess/ of a Pay-Per-View, known as Summerslam! On this Pay-Per-View, every August, we deal with bullshit main event matches and unbelievably dumb booking decisions regarding midcard matches! This Pay-Per-View has been brought you by Beach Volleyballs; Get yourself one when you don't feel like seeing a match you never wanted to watch. Also inb4 Tamina suffers an 8th ankle injury lmao

Match: John Cena vs Baron Corbin
Result: LOLCENAWINS
Rating: 7/10
My Comment: Welp, in the bright side, this is the first time Cena has won at Summerslam since 2010.

Match: Naomi vs Natalya
Result: Natalya wins, no Carmella.
Rating: 2/10; Waste of fuckin' time.
My Comment: Who gives a shit about Natalya? Why did she beat Naomi? Why isn't WWE having the veteran wrestlers put over new talent like they're supposed to?! WHERE THE FUCK IS CARMELLA?! Then again, it's Summerslam. Being exciting is against Vince McMahon's mentality. WWE's Creative Team is fair and balanced. (2)

Match: Big Show vs Big Cass with Enzo Amore locked in a shark cage above the ring
Result: Enzo Amore jumps off of the cage only to get Big Boot'd by Big Cass, then Big Cass wins the match. It would've been smart and exciting if Enzo Amore turned heel and assisted Big Cass.
Rating: 0.5 / 10; Big Cass's new updated entrance theme is the only good thing about this match.
My Comment: WWE's Creative Team is fair and balanced. (3)

Match: Randy Orton vs Rusev
Result: Before the match even started, Rusev is being an obnoxious fucktard and ambushed Randy Orton. They finally start the match and Randy Orton immediately RKO's him and wins.
Rating: idgaf, 10/10.
My Comment: Can Rusev A) fuck off, B) turn face, or C) go for the world championship?

Match: Sasha "People complain about Roman Reigns repeatedly getting pushed but not Sasha Banks" Banks vs Alexa Bliss
Result: ofc Sasha wins
Rating: I didn't even see it, I was cooking dinner during this shit. / 10
My Comment: #GiveEmmaAChance

Match: Finn Balor vs Bray Wyatt
Result: Finn Balor wins what was the first good match of the night.
Rating: 9/10
My Comment: Finn Balor deserves a world title push, yet Jinder Mahal is the world champion.

Match: The Shield vs Two talented singles competitors who are paired together to be cunts deluxe
Result: The "Sheamus and Cesaro is an actual tag team" joke ends, as Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose defeats them for the tag team championship.
Rating: 10/10; I would've taken away that "1" from the "10" if the Shield didn't win.
My Comment: Alright, great. 2 good matches in a row.

Match: AJ Styles vs Kevin Owens with Shane McMahon as the Special Guest Referee
Result: AJ Styles retains. GOOD.
Rating: 9/10
My Comment: Decent Match. Both guys are known best for being highly-skilled wrestlers. There's really nothing else I have to say, besides the fact that this match took forever and a fucking day to end.

Match: Shinsuke Nakamura vs Jinder Mahal
Result: Of course the Singh Brothers interferes. Of course Jinder Mahal's opponent fights them off then is magically too blind to see that Jinder Mahal is going for the full nelson slam. Of course Jinder Mahal wins and implies that he's a good wrestler.
Rating: I AM GOING TO GO AHEAD AND TAKE THE TIME TO VERBALLY ANNIHILATE THE WWE CHAMPION. If I was here and had the time to review Backlash, Money in the Bank, and Battleground, you would fucking KNOW how annoyed I am at WWE's Creative Team right now! I'm fucking glad India has the WWE Network, but that is NOT a good excuse to push a low-card jobber to the top so fucking quickly. This whole thing is a fucking joke, and I'll admit, the joke was funny at Backlash, but it stopped being funny after Money in the Bank. Vince McMahon, if you are READING this right now, the joke's fucking corny, and nobody's laughing anymore, so do us all a favor and give us a real world champion and take these fucking shows seriously again. Don't even get me started on Baron Corbin's failed Money in the Bank cash in. Anyways, AS FOR THIS MATCH, I would LOVE to give this shit a 0/10, or even negatives/10, but this match is LUCKY Shinsuke Nakamura's entrance was the entrance of the night. I'll give it a 2/10.
My Comment: WWE's Creative Team is fair and balanced. (4)

Match: Brock Lesnar vs Roman Reigns vs Braun Strowman vs Samoa Joe
Result: I turned off my TV by this time, however Bleacher's Report notified me that Brock Lesnar retained his title.
Rating: N/A; Can someone tell me how this match went?
My Comment: Knowing Brock Lesnar retained the championship, I'm calling Roman Reigns vs Brock Lesnar at the main event of Wrestlemania 34. It's going to happen, unfortunately. Brock Lesnar is going to maybe defend his title about 3 more times, or fucking less, before Wrestlemania 34 hits. I don't know what's worse: the part-time Universal Champion or the jobber WWE Champion. Both champions are fucking redundant, and Vince McMahon wonders why he's losing so much money that he had to cancel off the pyros to save money.

Overall rating: 6/10

---

Oh, Vince. You stupid, stupid senile bastard.

And Quickman is in there:

CARD PREDICTIONS (WORTH THREE POINTS EACH):
Akira Tozawa vs Neville for the Cruiserweight Championship: Tozawa
Sheamus & Cesaro vs 2/3 of The Shield for the Raw Tag Team Championship: Shesaro
The Usos vs The New Day for the SmackDown Tag Team Championship: The New Day
AJ Styles vs Kevin Owens for the United States Championship: AJ Styles
[unconfirmed] The Miz vs Jason Jordan for the Intercontinental Championship: Miz
Alexa Bliss vs Sasha Banks for the Raw Women's Championship: Banks
Naomi vs Natalya for the SmackDown Women's Championship: Naomi
Randy Orton vs Rusev: Orton
John Cena vs Baron Corbin: Cena
Big Show vs Big Cass: Cass
Finn Bálor vs Bray Wyatt: Wyatt
Jinder Mahal vs Shinsuke Nakamura for the WWE Championship: Nakamura
Brock Lesnar vs Roman Reigns vs Samoa Joe vs Braun Strowman for the Universal Championship: Joe

SPECIAL PREDICTIONS (WORTH TWO POINTS EACH):
Cruiserweight Title: How long will this match last? (closest gets 2pts, bonus point for everyone within 60 seconds): 11:15
Will Carmella cash in and if so, will she win? (3pts if both are right, 2pts if only first is): No
Who wrecked Breezango's office?: Won't be revealed
Will Enzo Amore throw down a weapon, and if so, what? (3pts if both are right, 2pts if only first is): No
US Title: Who will attack first, AJ on Shane, KO on Shane, or Shane on either of AJ/KO?: AJ accidentally hits Shane
Raw Tag Title: Will Rollins and Ambrose 'accidentally' attack each other?: Fucking of course
Smackdown Tag Title: Will Kofi intefere?: Yes
WWE Title: When the Singhs inevitably intefere, will their inteference directly (i.e. distraction leading into finisher) lead to the end of the match?: They'll distract multiple times, but the finish WILL involve their distractions, yes
WWE Title: How long will this match last? (closest gets 2pts, bonus point for everyone within 60 seconds): 20 minutes dead!
Universal Title: Who gets pinned/submitted?: Lesnar gets choked out, boiiiii
Universal Title: How long will this match last? (closest gets 2pts, bonus point for everyone within 60 seconds): 25 minutes dead!
Which match will Bleacher Report give the best grade to?: AJ/Owens
Which match will Bleacher Report give the worst grade to?: Show/Cass
What will be the recorded attendance (for reference, last SummerSlam in the same location was 15,974 | closest gets 2pts): 15,974
How many title belts will change hands tonight? (new champion -> MITB cash-in still counts as 1): 2 (Universal Championship, WWE Championship)

Anyway, here are the results:

CARD PREDICTIONS (WORTH THREE POINTS EACH):
Akira Tozawa vs Neville for the Cruiserweight Championship: Neville
Sheamus & Cesaro vs 2/3 of The Shield for the Raw Tag Team Championship: The Shield
The Usos vs The New Day for the SmackDown Tag Team Championship: The Usos
AJ Styles vs Kevin Owens for the United States Championship: AJ Styles
[unconfirmed] The Miz vs Jason Jordan for the Intercontinental Championship: Didn't happen, not counting the preshow 6 man match either.
[b]Alexa Bliss vs Sasha Banks for the Raw Women's Championship: Banks
Naomi vs Natalya for the SmackDown Women's Championship: Natalya
Randy Orton vs Rusev: Orton
John Cena vs Baron Corbin: Cena
Big Show vs Big Cass: Cass
Finn Bálor vs Bray Wyatt: Bálor
Jinder Mahal vs Shinsuke Nakamura for the WWE Championship: CUNTING Mahal
Brock Lesnar vs Roman Reigns vs Samoa Joe vs Braun Strowman for the Universal Championship: Lesnar

SPECIAL PREDICTIONS (WORTH TWO POINTS EACH):
Cruiserweight Title: How long will this match last? (closest gets 2pts, bonus point for everyone within 60 seconds): 11'45. VERY close from Quickman there!
Will Carmella cash in and if so, will she win? (3pts if both are right, 2pts if only first is): She didn't. EEEHHH!?
Who wrecked Breezango's office?: We didn't know because flogging chicken was too important.
Will Enzo Amore throw down a weapon, and if so, what? (3pts if both are right, 2pts if only first is): No, unless his greased-up self counts as one.
US Title: Who will attack first, AJ on Shane, KO on Shane, or Shane on either of AJ/KO?: AJ 450s Shane
Raw Tag Title: Will Rollins and Ambrose 'accidentally' attack each other?: No, they didn't
Smackdown Tag Title: Will Kofi intefere?: He didn't, did he? Either way, all 4 of use went the same way, so this is a dead rubber.
WWE Title: When the Singhs inevitably intefere, will their inteference directly (i.e. distraction leading into finisher) lead to the end of the match?: OF COURSE IT FUCKING DID.
WWE Title: How long will this match last? (closest gets 2pts, bonus point for everyone within 60 seconds): 11'25. Jesus fucking Christ, we all were WAY out.
Universal Title: Who gets pinned/submitted?: Reigns ate the F5.
Universal Title: How long will this match last? (closest gets 2pts, bonus point for everyone within 60 seconds): 20'45. We're not good at this are we?
Which match will Bleacher Report give the best grade to?: Fatal 4-Way got an A+. KO/Styles got an A-.
Which match will Bleacher Report give the worst grade to?: Randy Orton/Rusev got a D-. Big Show/Big Cass got a D.
What will be the recorded attendance (for reference, last SummerSlam in the same location was 15,974 | closest gets 2pts): 16,128. The increase from last year is obviously thanks to Raw, here.
How many title belts will change hands tonight? (new champion -> MITB cash-in still counts as 1): There were 5. Close, but nobody gets anything.


Even without the 7-point bonus, the positions would have not changed.
I really hate this game sometimes.

---

I won?! I trolled some of those guesses.... welp, I am the FACE of Zenius now!

OOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

---

Quickman got 41 points, though...?

---

Where abouts have I done a wrong?

---

"I HAVE 41 IF COUNTING THE PREDICITION WHERE BREEZANGO'S OFFICE WAS REVEALED TO BE FUCK ALL
REF
REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEF
MY FOOT WAS UNDER THE ROPE
I WAS THE CLOSEST TO THE ANNOUNCED ATTENDENCE AND I PREDICTED THAT BREEZANGO'S OFFICE WAS NOTHING, I WON THE BELT, GIVE ME THE BELT, GEDO"

---

even i admit Quickman got more right than myself

also Quickman is mad and keeps using my cereal bowl as a toilet

---

I counted that.

NO MERCY'S ON, BABY. GET IN THE FRIDGE, SHIT'S ABOUT TO GO NUCLEAR

CARD PREDICTIONS (WORTH THREE POINTS EACH):
Neville vs Enzo Amore for the Cruiserweight Championship:
Alexa Bliss vs Sasha Banks vs Bayley vs Nia Jax vs Emma for the Raw Women's Championship:
The Shield vs The Bar for the Raw Tag Team Championship:
The Miz vs Jason Jordan for the Intercontinental Championship:
Finn Bálor vs Bray Wyatt:
John Cena vs Roman Reigns:
Brock Lesnar vs Braun Strowman for the Universal Championship:

SPECIAL PREDICTIONS (WORTH TWO POINTS EACH):
Cruiserweight Title: How long will this match last? (closest gets 2pts, bonus point for everyone within 60 seconds):
Women's Title: Who eats the pinfall/submission?:
Tag Title: Which two of the four will be involved in the pinfall/submission? (1pt for each):
IC Title: The Miztourage will interfere, but will it directly lead to the end of the match?:
Bálor/Wyatt: How long will this match last? (closest gets 2pts, bonus point for everyone within 60 seconds):
Cena/Reigns: Which will come first: the AA, the Spear, or the Superman Punch?:
Universal Title: In the inevitable announcer table slot, who will be sent through the table first?:
Between Cena/Reigns and Lesnar/Strowman, which match will go the longest?:
Which match will Bleacher Report give the best grade to?:
Which match will Bleacher Report give the worst grade to?:

---

BREAK IT

CARD PREDICTIONS (WORTH THREE POINTS EACH):
Neville vs Enzo Amore for the Cruiserweight Championship: Neville
Alexa Bliss vs Sasha Banks vs Bayley vs Nia Jax vs Emma for the Raw Women's Championship: Alexa Bliss
The Shield vs The Bar for the Raw Tag Team Championship: The Shield
The Miz vs Jason Jordan for the Intercontinental Championship: Jason Jordan
Finn Bálor vs Bray Wyatt: Bray Wyatt (against my better judgement)
John Cena vs Roman Reigns: Roman Reigns
Brock Lesnar vs Braun Strowman for the Universal Championship: Brock Lesnar

SPECIAL PREDICTIONS (WORTH TWO POINTS EACH):
Cruiserweight Title: How long will this match last? (closest gets 2pts, bonus point for everyone within 60 seconds): 17
Women's Title: Who eats the pinfall/submission?: Nia Jax
Tag Title: Which two of the four will be involved in the pinfall/submission? (1pt for each): ???
IC Title: The Miztourage will interfere, but will it directly lead to the end of the match?: No
Bálor/Wyatt: How long will this match last? (closest gets 2pts, bonus point for everyone within 60 seconds): 22
Cena/Reigns: Which will come first: the AA, the Spear, or the Superman Punch?: Spear
Universal Title: In the inevitable announcer table slot, who will be sent through the table first?: Brock Lesnar, if there's even a spot
Between Cena/Reigns and Lesnar/Strowman, which match will go the longest?: Cena/Reigns, as Lesnar/Strowman will likely be rushed due to lack of time.
Which match will Bleacher Report give the best grade to?: Finn/Bray
Which match will Bleacher Report give the worst grade to?: Women's Championship

---

Oh yeah, forgot to do mine.

CARD PREDICTIONS (WORTH THREE POINTS EACH):
Neville vs Enzo Amore for the Cruiserweight Championship: Enzo (for Nev to win back the Tuesday after)
Alexa Bliss vs Sasha Banks vs Bayley vs Nia Jax vs Emma for the Raw Women's Championship: Nia Jax
The Shield vs The Bar for the Raw Tag Team Championship: The Shield
The Miz vs Jason Jordan for the Intercontinental Championship: Jason Jordan
Finn Bálor vs Bray Wyatt: Finn Bálor
John Cena vs Roman Reigns: Roman Reigns
Brock Lesnar vs Braun Strowman for the Universal Championship: Braun Strowman

SPECIAL PREDICTIONS (WORTH TWO POINTS EACH):
Cruiserweight Title: How long will this match last? (closest gets 2pts, bonus point for everyone within 60 seconds): 10'35
Women's Title: Who eats the pinfall/submission?: Alexa Bliss
Tag Title: Which two of the four will be involved in the pinfall/submission? (1pt for each): Rollins pins Sheamus
IC Title: The Miztourage will interfere, but will it directly lead to the end of the match?: Yes
Bálor/Wyatt: How long will this match last? (closest gets 2pts, bonus point for everyone within 60 seconds): 9'30
Cena/Reigns: Which will come first: the AA, the Spear, or the Superman Punch?: AA
Universal Title: In the inevitable announcer table slot, who will be sent through the table first?: Brock again
Between Cena/Reigns and Lesnar/Strowman, which match will go the longest?: Cena/Reigns
Which match will Bleacher Report give the best grade to?: Lesnar/Strowman
Which match will Bleacher Report give the worst grade to?: Bálor/Wyatt

---

CARD PREDICTIONS (WORTH THREE POINTS EACH):
Neville vs Enzo Amore for the Cruiserweight Championship: Neville please
Alexa Bliss vs Sasha Banks vs Bayley vs Nia Jax vs Emma for the Raw Women's Championship: inb4 Bayley
The Shield vs The Bar for the Raw Tag Team Championship: The Shield
The Miz vs Jason Jordan for the Intercontinental Championship: Jason Jordan...
Finn Bálor vs Bray Wyatt: Something tells me Bray Wyatt will win
John Cena vs Roman Reigns: HOLY shit this is hard to tell.... what if John Cena wins? I might put my bets on Cena...something tells me he might even win super fucking quick too.
Brock Lesnar vs Braun Strowman for the Universal Championship: Brock Lesnar smfh

SPECIAL PREDICTIONS (WORTH TWO POINTS EACH):
Cruiserweight Title: How long will this match last? (closest gets 2pts, bonus point for everyone within 60 seconds): 10 minutes
Women's Title: Who eats the pinfall/submission?: Alexa Bliss
Tag Title: Which two of the four will be involved in the pinfall/submission? (1pt for each): Dean Ambrose and Sheamus
IC Title: The Miztourage will interfere, but will it directly lead to the end of the match?: Yes
Bálor/Wyatt: How long will this match last? (closest gets 2pts, bonus point for everyone within 60 seconds): I will go bold and say 17 minutes
Cena/Reigns: Which will come first: the AA, the Spear, or the Superman Punch?: AA
Universal Title: In the inevitable announcer table slot, who will be sent through the table first?: Brock Lesnar
Between Cena/Reigns and Lesnar/Strowman, which match will go the longest?: Cena/Reigns
Which match will Bleacher Report give the best grade to?: Cena/Reigns
Which match will Bleacher Report give the worst grade to?: Cruiserweight Championship

---

And The Quick One is in:

CARD PREDICTIONS (WORTH THREE POINTS EACH):
Neville vs Enzo Amore for the Cruiserweight Championship: Neville
Alexa Bliss vs Sasha Banks vs Bayley vs Nia Jax vs Emma for the Raw Women's Championship: Sasha
The Shield vs The Bar for the Raw Tag Team Championship: The Shield
The Miz vs Jason Jordan for the Intercontinental Championship: The Miz
Finn Bálor vs Bray Wyatt: Wyatt
John Cena vs Roman Reigns: Reigns
Brock Lesnar vs Braun Strowman for the Universal Championship: Strowman

SPECIAL PREDICTIONS (WORTH TWO POINTS EACH):
Cruiserweight Title: How long will this match last? (closest gets 2pts, bonus point for everyone within 60 seconds): 9 minutes 30 seconds
Women's Title: Who eats the pinfall/submission?: Bayley
Tag Title: Which two of the four will be involved in the pinfall/submission? (1pt for each): Rollins and Sheam-o
IC Title: The Miztourage will interfere, but will it directly lead to the end of the match?: Yup
Bálor/Wyatt: How long will this match last? (closest gets 2pts, bonus point for everyone within 60 seconds): 14 minutes 30 seconds
Cena/Reigns: Which will come first: the AA, the Spear, or the Superman Punch?: Super Punch Of OOOOOOAAAAAAA Men Who Cock Their Fists
Universal Title: In the inevitable announcer table slot, who will be sent through the table first?: Lesnar
Between Cena/Reigns and Lesnar/Strowman, which match will go the longest?: Cena/Reigns
Which match will Bleacher Report give the best grade to?: Cena/Reigns
Which match will Bleacher Report give the worst grade to?: Balor/Wyatt

---

Welcome to No Mercy, a PPV that ironically had matches full of Underwhelming Mercy. As always, WWE is known best for hyping up stories only to let everybody down. And of course, the matches of the night were the matches nobody gave 2 and a half fucks about. Also a waste of 10 minutes seeing all different commentary languages.

Match: Musty Cancer AKA Must-See Miz vs the Biggest Let Down of 2017 for the Intercontinental Championship
Result: Curtis Axel got the biggest ovation of the match when he interfered and helped the Miz win, because nobody liked Jason Jordan after that underwhelming storyline involving Kurt Angle's text messages.
Rating: 7/10
My Comment: First, Batista. Then, Roman Reigns. Now, Jason Jordan.

Match: Finn Balor vs Bray Wyatt
Result: After 15-20 minutes of slow-paced shit, Finn Balor wins what I thought he'd lose, this rematch.
Rating: 8/10; still a good quality match.
My Comment: HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT HUT Time is fucking money.

Match: Fatal 5-Way Women's Championship, I don't feel like typing all of their fucking names
Result: nothing new bliss retained dis dont even deserve gud punctuation or grammar
Rating: 6/10
My Comment: at least Sasha lost

Match: Seth Rollins and Dean Ambrose, pretending the Shield never existed vs 2 singles competitors claiming to be a real tag team
Result: Cesaro oversells his jump to the turnbuckle and knocks 2 teeth out of his mouth, but was still able to wrestle. That impressed me, actually. Anyways, the Shield retains the tag team championship.
Rating: 9/10
My Comment: Match of the night tbh.

Match: Shovel vs Shovel, Pushed-too-much-man vs Pushed-too-much-man, Needs-to-turn-heel-but-fucking-doesn't vs Needs-to-turn-heel-but-fucking-doesn't, a match between 2 poster boys who doesn't know anymore than 5 moves.
Result: Surprisingly, Roman Reigns won.
Rating: 6/10
My Comment: No heel turn. WWE still can't accept that nobody likes Roman anymore. I even lost faith in him after that stunt he pulled at Royal Rumble 2017. WWE's Creative Team is Fair and Balanced.

Match: Fucktard vs Neville
Result: Enzo Amore mentally slaps the faces of those Cruiserweights who deserved that title, and kicks Neville's nuts and wins the fucking championship.
Rating: Cedrick Alexander has the qualifications to be a main eventer. TJP could be an amazing face but is remaining a tryhard heel. Noam Dar is a talented slut. Who the fuck is this talented Tony Nese guy? Where is Jack Gallagher? Akira Tozawa has a rematch clause, if I remember correctly. I just named 6 fucking cruiserweights who deserves better than Enzo Amore. Enzo wins. He didn't even win clean. I fucking hope Neville obliterates him the next time they fight. I want to scream, I want to choke my friend and dad, but I'm not. I'm rating this match -9999 / 10.
My Comment: HOW I'M DOIN?! I'M DOING REALLY FUCKING BAD, THANK YOU VERY FUCKING MUCH.

Match: Braun Strowman vs Former NCAA Champion, UFC Heavyweight Champion, 4-Time WWE World Heavyweight Champion, the conquerer of the Undertaker's streak, Sable's husband, the man who magically wins matches he should be losing, the part-time jar head everyone relies on for ratings, Suplex City Bitch, Eat Sleep Conquer Repeat, NCAA Champion, UFC Heavyweight Champion, 4-Time WWE World Heavyweight Champion, NCAA Champion, UFC Heavyweight Champion, 4-Time WWE World Heavyweight Champion, NCAA Champion, UFC Heavyweight Champion, 4-Time WWE World Heavyweight Champion, the reigning, defending, undisputed, Universal Champion, Brock Lesnar
Result: The winner of this match is the Former NCAA Champion, UFC Heavyweight Champion, 4-Time WWE World Heavyweight Champion, Brock Lesnar, and he's still the reigning, defending, undisputed, and the most underwhelming and stale Universal Champion.
Rating: He's the 1 in 21-1? He's also the 1 whose put up an underwhelming match that qualifies to be rated -1/10.
My Comment Incase you forgot, Brock Lesnar is the Former NCAA Champion, UFC Heavyweight Champion, 4-Time WWE World Heavyweight Champion, and the Current Universal Champion.

Overall Rating: 4/10. This PPV advertised Mountain Dew and Little Caesars? I'm going to consume enough of that to intentionally give myself a fucking heart attack tonight, as a punishment to myself for wasting my time.

---

Right, to sort out any squabbling, I've done a spreadsheet.

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1DPoXYWahD8iRwnBYiMlSWderMOzz6tIh8CvqyTXw3gk/edit?usp=sharing

CARD PREDICTIONS (WORTH THREE POINTS EACH):
Neville vs Enzo Amore for the Cruiserweight Championship: Enzo. God help us all.
Alexa Bliss vs Sasha Banks vs Bayley vs Nia Jax vs Emma for the Raw Women's Championship: Alexa Bliss.
The Shield vs The Bar for the Raw Tag Team Championship: The Shield plus three of Cesaro's teeth.
The Miz vs Jason Jordan for the Intercontinental Championship: The Miz.
Finn Bálor vs Bray Wyatt: Finn Bálor.
John Cena vs Roman Reigns: Roman Reigns.
Brock Lesnar vs Braun Strowman for the Universal Championship: Brock Lesnar.

SPECIAL PREDICTIONS (WORTH TWO POINTS EACH):
Cruiserweight Title: How long will this match last? (closest gets 2pts, bonus point for everyone within 60 seconds): 10'40. I was ten seconds out. Is this a record?
Women's Title: Who eats the pinfall/submission?: Bayley, sadly.
Tag Title: Which two of the four will be involved in the pinfall/submission? (1pt for each): Ambrose pinned Sheamus.
IC Title: The Miztourage will interfere, but will it directly lead to the end of the match?: Of course it did.
Bálor/Wyatt: How long will this match last? (closest gets 2pts, bonus point for everyone within 60 seconds): 11'35.
Cena/Reigns: Which will come first: the AA, the Spear, or the Superman Punch?: AA.
Universal Title: In the inevitable announcer table slot, who will be sent through the table first?: Nobody. The tables were broke already.
Between Cena/Reigns and Lesnar/Strowman, which match will go the longest?: Cena/Reigns, by over double. We all got this right, but I don't think we expected to be *that* right.
Which match will Bleacher Report give the best grade to?: The Tag match got a solid A-.
Which match will Bleacher Report give the worst grade to?: The Cruiserweight match got a D-.



EVEN SPORTING A COLLARBONE INJURY, ONI GETS THE TITLE!

---

Ways for WWE to ruin the Shield reunion:
"Roman Reigns and his shield brothers"
"Here comes the Big Dog, and he has backup"
"TANGO HOTEL ECHO GOLF UNIFORM YANKEE - THE GUY, BEW DEW, BEW DEW, BEW DEW, BEWWWW BEWWWW"
Have Roman Reigns in it

---