You laugh, you lose (new rule page 147)

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This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the public.
A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written:

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Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service,
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! Which rings throughout the entire building.
This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins.
If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.

Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mai l with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain your obedient servant
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Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards
PC ???????
Community Beat Officer

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That email is beautiful.

Although I didn't laugh, that has got to be one of my favorites in this thread.

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The poor pedo

If The Internet Wins The Nobel: A Proposed Acceptance Speech

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Free HBO? I'm ordering!!!

Also:

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ahahahaha i lost so bad on the last one

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I rofl'd on the ground and lost my air.

I do apologize if some of my pics are not loading. I don't know if it's a problem for you but at times it happens to me.

Fileden is getting a little crazy right now.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

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Cat jump fail

You think your life is hard?

Well, FUCK YOU. It has nothing on mine. My mom practically kicked my ass
out of the house before I hit thirteen, and I never even met my dad. My only
friend till I was ten was the kool-aid prick next door who was always beating
the shit out of me and telling me I wasn’t worth shit. It's not even like I had
a choice. During my entire adolescence, I was moving around from place to
place trying to get along with people who didn’t even want me.

You think that’s the worst? My only friend was an Asian guy in his thirties or
something, who only kept me around because he thought I could help him get
laid. The only perk was that I also got to hang around with this cute ginger
chick. She was flat as a pancake, sure, but damn, she was a total nymph.
She must have been a sadist or something cause she always took pleasure in
hitting me and telling me how she loved to get wet.

But dear god, the bane of my existence was this adult couple that I could NOT
seem to avoid. You know, those absolutely sickening couples, like they wear
matching outfits and finish each other’s sentences? Yeah they were total
creepers. They also had a cat, which was at least twice as annoying as they
were. I swear, this thing would never shut the fuck up.

Like I said, I ended up moving from town to town getting into fights with
other kids my age, even adults from time to time.

The only thing that kept me going was my dream to become a Pokemon
master.

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The Best of this Thread.
+5

I agree.

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Your +3 is now a +5 my good sir

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I'm sure a lot of people have seen this but I found it hilarious.

I lol'ed at the last sentence I would of never expected that, but the evidence was there

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