Post #2361 · Posted at 2009-07-10 06:59:09am 16.1 years ago
 KKiONI | |
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| "BEEJAY REVEL A" | |
if you know the reference they're making, you'll find this very comical
Post #2362 · Posted at 2009-07-10 08:24:02am 16.1 years ago
| PyroManiacX | |
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To anyone who has played Portal before
[youtube]<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/dJiV1KizA0I&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/dJiV1KizA0I&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>[/youtube]
[youtube]<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/dJiV1KizA0I&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/dJiV1KizA0I&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>[/youtube]
Post #2363 · Posted at 2009-07-10 08:39:08am 16.1 years ago
| silenttype01 | |
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| "DINGDONG♥HEARTS" | |
A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 feet 2 inches tall, blond wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.
The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 feet 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face."
The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,
"Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,
"Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have
ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' "
"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly,
"Nuns are not spinsters. Nuns are married to God!"
The patient replied,
"Send the bill to my brother-in-law. "
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was brought before the judge and charged with Necrophilia.
The judge told him: "In 20 years on the bench, I have never heard such a disgusting and immoral thing. Give me a good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key."
The man replied: "I will give you 3 good reasons:
(1) It's none of your damn business.
(2) She was my wife.
(3) I didn't know she was dead because she always acted that way!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, 'It's the pharmacist . He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone. '
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him,
'Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that, I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store, there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.
He continued, 'Then I had to break a roll of dimes against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing again with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are over sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over sensitive woman.
My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full time job, along with her part time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the Club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that front door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice big cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on 31 January of a perforated rectum. The Police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50 inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her not guilty, accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 feet 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face."
The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,
"Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,
"Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have
ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman went to her priest with a problem. "Father, I have two female parrots, and they only know how to say one thing. All they ever say is, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?' "
"That's terrible!" exclaimed the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them with my two male parrots whom I taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
The next day, the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The woman put her two female parrots in the cage with the male parrots. The females said, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Wanna have some fun?"
One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.
He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."
The nun became agitated and announced loudly,
"Nuns are not spinsters. Nuns are married to God!"
The patient replied,
"Send the bill to my brother-in-law. "
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was brought before the judge and charged with Necrophilia.
The judge told him: "In 20 years on the bench, I have never heard such a disgusting and immoral thing. Give me a good reason why I shouldn't lock you up and throw away the key."
The man replied: "I will give you 3 good reasons:
(1) It's none of your damn business.
(2) She was my wife.
(3) I didn't know she was dead because she always acted that way!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, 'It's the pharmacist . He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone. '
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the pharmacist told him,
'Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that, I locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys. Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store, there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.
He continued, 'Then I had to break a roll of dimes against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke. Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing again with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.'
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are over sensitive, and there's nothing worse than an over sensitive woman.
My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full time job, along with her part time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the Club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that front door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice big cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on 31 January of a perforated rectum. The Police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50 inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her not guilty, accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
Post #2364 · Posted at 2009-07-11 12:44:55am 16.1 years ago
| MrTM2 | |
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Post #2365 · Posted at 2009-07-11 10:09:26am 16.1 years ago
| silenttype01 | |
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Member+ |
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| "DINGDONG♥HEARTS" | |
A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name."Fred" he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays long with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The man replies... "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."
The officer let him go without even a warning.
The man replies... "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD.
Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred."
The officer let him go without even a warning.
Post #2366 · Posted at 2009-07-11 03:11:07pm 16.1 years ago
| Cardia | |
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Post #2367 · Posted at 2009-07-11 07:33:20pm 16.1 years ago
| RGTM | |
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Moderator+ |
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Post #2368 · Posted at 2009-07-12 04:46:25am 16.1 years ago
| PyroManiacX | |
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Member |
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| "Not dead yet!" | |
Post #2369 · Posted at 2009-07-12 06:53:46am 16.1 years ago
| Max | |
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Remember "Don't Copy That Floppy"?
....he's back
[youtube]fHaAFqoVLtI&eurl=http://kotaku.com/5310140/dont-copy-that-floppy-the-next-generation&feature=player_embedded[/youtube]
....he's back
[youtube]fHaAFqoVLtI&eurl=http://kotaku.com/5310140/dont-copy-that-floppy-the-next-generation&feature=player_embedded[/youtube]
Post #2370 · Posted at 2009-07-13 07:51:49pm 16.1 years ago
| orbitvibe | |
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"will be out for a long lime  " | |
"The VIBE 2" will be out soon and is now under construction.
Post #2371 · Posted at 2009-07-14 02:03:05am 16.1 years ago
| Pandemonium X | |
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Member |
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[youtube]<object width="560" height="340"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/FYf-rmGSwWA&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/FYf-rmGSwWA&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="560" height="340"></embed></object>[/youtube]
Post #2372 · Posted at 2009-07-14 10:06:30pm 16.1 years ago
| Max | |
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Post #2373 · Posted at 2009-07-14 10:13:51pm 16.1 years ago
| MrTM2 | |
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Coincidence?
Post #2374 · Posted at 2009-07-15 01:59:12am 16.1 years ago
| Pandemonium X | |
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Member |
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[youtube]<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/JYfwnzquchQ&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/JYfwnzquchQ&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>[/youtube]
Post #2375 · Posted at 2009-07-15 08:45:01am 16.1 years ago
| -Viper- | |
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Post #2376 · Posted at 2009-07-15 09:01:52am 16.1 years ago
| Rwr4539 | |
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| Not Set | |
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| "I'm like Peter Pan, but a prick" | |
Somehow I found this really funny.
Post #2377 · Posted at 2009-07-15 09:03:23am 16.1 years ago
| kwangjae | |
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another wonderful idiot to laugh at in Yahoo Answers
Saw this on BBC (I think) a couple of weeks ago but found it later
Saw this on BBC (I think) a couple of weeks ago but found it later
Post #2378 · Posted at 2009-07-16 05:59:33am 16.1 years ago
| Max | |
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Quote: -Viper-
Some of you might either find this funny or offensive, and i am sorry if it comes down to that...
...just watch it anyways >_>:
[youtube]SJ5w4MkFofc&feature=rec-HM-fresh+div[/youtube]
Post #2379 · Posted at 2009-07-16 07:04:10am 16.1 years ago
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Post #2380 · Posted at 2009-07-16 07:13:30am 16.1 years ago
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