The Wrestling Thread

Oops, I almost forgot to review NXT Take Over Brooklyn! It was another OVERALL great NXT Special Event! KEY WORD: OVERALL. THERE WAS ONE MATCH THAT PISSED ME THE FUCK OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO TAKE A FUCKING XANAX. Other than that, I enjoyed everything else about this Special Event!

Match: No Way Jose vs. Austin Aries
Result: Everyone was rooting for Austin Aries, and Aries defeated No Way Jose. I would've honestly been shocked if Jose did win.
Rating: 9/10; git gud No Way Jose
My comment: is it too late to dance?

Match: Ember "Nidalee-from-League-of-Legends" Moon vs. Former Jobber Billie Kay
Result: Ember Moon pulled a diving finisher I've never seen before, and won the Match! Holy shit, if you never seen Ember Moon's finisher yet, look at it now! It's fucking impressing!
Rating: 9/10
My comment: not bad

Match: Something "Cien" Something I don't fucking remember vs. Bobby Roode
Result: Before I even get to the result, I wanna say that Bobby Roode's entrance was fucking awesome. The crowd was cheering for Roode and SINGING his theme! LMFAO when Bobby Roode first debuted on NXT, I thought his theme was stupid-unfitting, but then I quickly grew into it. Anyways, A.C.A. came out and was booed at. Then again, he's always kinda been booed at since debuting against Tye Dillinger (another heel who is over with the crowd). So much for dat Batista 2014 heat. Anyways, Roode won. Great Match! Roode's finisher was kinda generic, but it works!
Rating: 10/10 - IGN
My comment: Great fucking show. Imagine if Vince McMahon was running this and not Triple H. John Cena would be burying everybody, and there would be a John Cena Clone teaming up with John Cena and burying tag teams.

Match: Tomato Chomp and Jonathan Borgano or whatever their names are vs. Gimmick-Less Try-hard Tag Team
Result: LOLREVIVALWINS
Rating: This Match seriously pissed me the fuck off. The Revival fiends HARD to cheat their way to victory, and it raises my fuckin' blood pressure. I THOUGHT THE FUCKING NEW DAY WAS BAD. I THOUGHT EPICO AND PRIMO 2012 WAS FUCKING BAD. These pair of fucking assholes don't even have a fucking gimmick! In fact, NEITHER Tag Teams has a fucking gimmick, but I atleast wanted the Revival to lose the fuckin' Tag Team Championship. CIAMPA AND GORGANO, THANK YOU SO FUCKING MUCH FOR LETTING ME DOWN. ALSO JOHNNY GORGANO, SUCK MY DICK I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE CRUISERWEIGHT SHIT YOU WON. I WAS HOPING CIAMPA WOULD TURN HEEL ON YOUR SUCKY ASS. THANKS AGAIN FOR FUCKING LETTING ME DOWN. I RATE THIS PIECE OF SHIT -5000/10.
My comment: I swear to fucking God, if the Revival is still reigning as Tag Team Champions in 2017, I'm going to eat a fucking fish sandwich.

Match: Bayley vs. Asuka; the Match that calmed me down because it was great.
Result: After Asuka was smacked across the face by Bayley, she dropped Bayley with her head-kick, then successfully retained the NXT Women's Championship, clean. After the Match, both women hugged. Great Match. This Match made up for the stress from the previous Match that happened.
Rating: 10/10 - Game Spot
My comment: Asuka deserves that title. She's undefeated, she's hot, and she's my favorite NXT woman.

Match: Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Samoa Joe
Result: Hold on, let me talk about Shinsuke Nakamura's entrance first. Some dude walked out and was performing an EPIC Violin Solo! After the epicness, Nakamura's theme hits, the dude CONTINUES playing his violin, syncing in with Nakamura's theme, then Nakamura walks out and bows down to the violin player. Great entrance! Anyways, Nakamura saved the show and defeated Samoa Joe for the NXT Championship.
Rating: 10/10 - Amazon.com
My comment: I'm calling it right now. Correct me if I'm wrong, but Shinsuke Nakamura is probably going to be the first Asian WWE World Champion. I don't think I ever seen an Asian WWE World Champion. I barely seen BLACK WWE World Champions. (Not counting the NXT or ECW Championships.) But, as I've heard, this is a new era, and changes can definitely be made!

Great show, overall! The overall rating of this Special Event is 8/10. I'm still fucking pissed about the Tag Team Championship Match.

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NAKAMURA IS THE FUCKING NXT CHAMPION. YES, YES, YES, YES, YES, YES.

ALSO LEE ENGLAND JR. IS A FUCKING LEGEND

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I'm warning you right now. Summerslam pissed me off so badly, my blood pressure is high. I'm going to review it and verbally attack it. Hard. Very momentairly.

*moments later*

SUMMERSLAM: THE SHOWCASE OF THE HEELS. THE HOTTEST EVENT OF THE SUMMER. Yeah, the hottest mess I've ever seen in WWE. I thought ECW December to Dismember was bad. With the exception of AJ Styles and Finn Balor winning, Summerslam was an absolute waste of fuckin' time. Also I feel FUCKING bad for each and every fan who purchased a ticket in that Stadium. Triple H, you pile of fucking feces, I absolutely hate you, you are pathetic at script-writing, and Stephanie McMahon's pussy is the only reason you're any important.

Match: Enzo Amore and Colin Cassidy vs. JeriKO
Result: JeriKO wins. Not bad. I actually liked Owens' and Jericho's tag team finisher.
Rating: 7/10; pick up the fuckin' pace.
My comment: I didn't mind those two winning....that was until it was heel nation throughout the rest of the show.

Match: Sasha Banks vs. Try Hard
Result: LOLCHARLOTTEWINS
Rating: -12390524891734980612342345132453456136134636712340896 /10
My comment: this was the start of my blood pressure raising

Match: Apollo Crews vs. the Miz
Result: LOLMIZWINS
Rating: -1358901234856901246897509813750917390571230 /10
My comment: Apollo Crews deserves better than this.

Match: John Cena vs. AJ Styles.
Result: Styles won. Clean. GOOD.
Rating: 10/10 - IGN
My comment: 4 heels in a row winning, but this heel is a worthy heel.

Match: New Day, accompanied by the only celebrity heel Jon Stewart vs. Bullet Club
Result: The Bullet Club was gonna fuck up Jon Stewart, until Big E Langston returned and disqualified the Match, attacking Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson.
Rating: 2/10, the Bullet Club's appearance is the only reason the number is, AT ALL, any higher than 0.
My comment: I hope you're all fuckin' happy.

Match: Dean Ambrose vs. Dolph Ziggler
Result: Ambrose wins, in the most generic way.
Rating: 7/10
My comment: I knew Apollo Crews should've won that 6-Man Match on Smackdown instead of Dolph Ziggler. THAT would've been entertaining seeing him and Ambrose go at it. Dolph Ziggler's career SHOULD BE over by now.

Match: Ratchet White Girl, Dance Dance Revolution Naomi, and Beautiful Becky Lynch vs. Barney Hart, Alexa "more attractive than Eva Marie" Bliss, and Eva Marie Nikki Bella
Result: The heels won. The fans were kinda rooting for Nikki Bella anyways.
Rating: 3/10
My comment: I didn't give a shit about this Match. Welcome back, Nikki Bella. I totally wonder how many people missed you.

Match: Finn Balor vs. Seth Rollins
Result: Finn Balor won, and lowered my blood pressure! GOOD.
Rating: 10/10 - Game Spot
My comment: I thought Rollins would win, y'know, since this is the Showcase of the Heels. It's GREAT to be wrong.

Match: Roman Reigns vs. Alexander Rusev
Result: No contest. As Roman Reigns entered the ring, Rusev ambushed him and then they both started brawling. Then Roman Reigns got the upper hand and then injured Rusev's waist. We thought the medical would help stretcher Rusev, but Roman Reigns ran back out and speared that bastard. GOOD.
Rating: 8/10
My comment: I feel even more better! However, Roman Reigns failed to win the USA Championship. Oh well.

Match: Randy Orton vs. a stupid brainless no-mic-skills-havin'-ass man who thinks fighting in UFC is a reason to be indestructable
Result: LOLBROCKWINS via knocking the blood outta Randy Orton's head; followed by Brock Lesnar F5ing Shane McMahon.
Rating: Congratulations, Brock Lesnar. You've re-raised my blood pressure, I almost collapsed into an anxiety attack because of your stupidity, and you proved to me that you're nothing more than a redundant 2nd Grader Incarnate. Fuck you, you stupid fucking bitch. You are another reason why WWE's ratings are as low as it is. Nobody fucking feels like watching you suplex the shit outta someone then LOLBROCKWINS. You'll be LUCKY if I ever root for you in a Match ever again. I used to like you, but then you became a redundant cunt. Congratulations on the win, you fuckin' chode. You ain't a good wrestler either. You're just strong and athletic. I never seen you as a legend either, I don't even know why WWE '12 labeled you as a "Legend" because you're not. Anyways, cutting this paragraph short, I'm rating this match NEGATIVE INFINITY OUT OF TEN.
My comment: Hurry up and kick in, Xanax.

Overall show rating: 1/10. There were a couple impressive parts, but overall, FUCK THIS SHOW. #CancelWWENetwork MAKE IT TREND.

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I thought SummerSlam was not half bad. But to each their own.

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Jesus dude calm it down
Its wasn't that bad,it had some faults but I've heard nothing but positive reviews so far.

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There's just certain wrestlers I hate, and they were victorious on this show.

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Aww man, I missed the predictions. Guess I'm not Cesaro, I'm Alberto Del Rio - come in, do pretty well (midcard), drop into obscurity before missing the next event due to a wellness violation....

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"I'm warning you right now. Summerslam pissed me off so badly, my blood pressure is high. I'm going to review it and verbally attack it. Hard. Very momentarily."
it's just a show, you should really just relax

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2,500 COMBOS

This show was fucking great. Here's a review by someone who knows their shit. Here's to ya, Hammy.

THE LONGEST MATCH WAS AJ/CENA. WE ALL LOSE.
ORTON/LESNAR WAS MAIN EVENT. SHAME ABOUT THAT, BUT ANYWAY, ME HAM AND ONI GET TWO POINTS
CENA KICKED OUT OF A STYLES CLASH, BUT NOT A SECOND OR A THIRD. SIX POINTS TO ME, MOKOU AND KNS, FOUR TO HAM AND ONI
ONLY ONE TITLE CHANGED HANDS, T'WAS THE WOMEN'S TITLE. A COUPLE OF POINTS TO MOKOU.

SPECIAL PREDICTION RESULTS:

Hamsand210-final(c): 6
Quickman: 8
Oni-91: 6
XxMokou98xX: 8
KNS-17: 6

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CARD?!?!? HERE WE FUCKIN GO LADS

Sheamus def. Cesaro - BAD CHANTS/10(5.5/10)
Honestly, I didn't expect to see anything entertaining here, but - who'da thunk? - Sheamus pulled his weight in the match! Of course, they're doing exactly what I thought would happen, giving Sheamus an early win or two and then having Cesaro make a comeback. Which is safe, but not bad booking. Points only go to me because you're all marks for Cesaro.

JeriKO def. Enzo & Cass - IT/10(7/10)
A Pop-Up Codebreaker? That actually looked fucking sick, wow. Honestly I'm surprised the finish wasn't screwy. Heels went over pretty damn clean. Points go to everyone except KNS.

Charlotte def. Sasha Banks for the Women's Championship - THE WOMEN RUINED MY PREDICTIONS/10(6.5/10)
Again, fun match, very submission heavy, and the ending actually made it look like Charlotte could win a match without cheating once in a while - something big heels sorely lack nowadays. Sure, it was a rollup, but she didn't doing anything wrong, so here's to her. Still, Becky4Champ. Points go to no-one; we've been swerved, maggle!

Miz def. Apollo Crews to retain the Intercontinental Championship - APOLLO HAS NO CHARISMA/10(6.5/10)
Yeah, no surprise here. Crews is shit and Ham is shit for liking him. Cheers, Miz. Points go to me, Mokou and KNS.

AJ Styles def. John Cena - THEY ACTUALLY DID IT/10(9/10)
This match was awesome.
This result was awesome.
AJ Styles' theme music is still awesome.
NEXT. (Points awarded to everybody. WWE's MOTY.)

The Club def. New Day w/Jon Stewart by DQ - I GUESS THAT'LL DO??/10(4.5/10)
Oh, for fuck sake, DROP THE FUCKING BELTS.
This match was dull. And it ended by DQ. Bleh.
Anyway, points to me, Ham Reigns and Alex Nakamura.

Dean Ambrose def. Dolph Ziggler to retain the WWE World Championship - ZIGGLER'S ASS/10(7.5/10)
Great match. Ziggler looked pretty good despite losing and Ambrose walks out with the belt. I'm happy. Keep Ziggler on the upper midcard because he's showing he still has what it takes. Again, Ham is wrong for disliking Ziggler and I am right.
... And funnily enough, he's the only one who ACTUALLY THOUGHT ZIGGLER WOULD WIN. Do you want to drop the belt now, or should we keep going?

Diva Bullshit - Nikki Bella/10(3.5/10)
Honestly who cares. Ham gets points. Well done.

Finn Balor def. Seth Rollins to become the first ever Universal Champion - TOO SWEET/10(8.5/10)
Again, awesome match, lots of spots, the two never seem to get old. I would've been pleased with whoever won this, and I'm not even mad I went with Rollins. What a fucking match. Not as good as AJ/Cena, but few things are going to be. Points awarded to everyone but me. OOPS.

Protecting His Wife, So Clearly A Heel vs. Drug Addict goes to a No Contest - FOR SOME REASON MORE IMPORTANT THAN BOTH WORLD TITLE MATCHES/10(FUCK OFF/10)
I don't care. We all picked Reigns anyway. I'm not even giving everyone the points because a)it doesn't make a difference and b)that's how little I give a shit.

Brock Lesnar def. Randy Orton by TKO - THAT'S NOT EVEN A WRESTLING TERM/10(4/10)
A twelve minute squash. Great main event for the second biggest PPV of the year! Yeah, yeah, this made Lesnar look strong, I DON'T CARE. FUCKING DAYLIGHT MAKES LESNAR LOOK STRONG. About the only good thing about this match was that it involved the most blood in WWE I've seen in about four or five years. Did Orton look FUCKED UP after that...
Points to Ham and KNS.

OVERALL - 7/10 (This show was good and Ham is bitter his beloved Samoan man did not win murica championship from nasty russian)

HERE WE GO...

Hamsand210-final(c): 24
Quickman: 26
Oni-91: 21
XxMokou98xX: 23
KNS-17: 21

:)

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NOT LAST-oh fuck

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1) THE HYPE BROS & AMERICAN ALPHA & USOS vs THE VAUDEVILLANS & TYLER BREEZE & FANDANGO & THE ASCENSION - 2/5 TOO MANY COOKS
Nobody cared about this pre-show match stuffed to the max like a thanksgiving turkey. Usos are going heel to feud with American Alpha, that's the only important thing. Jey pinned Gotch for the win. Nobody seemed to know who the legal man was, MAYBE 12 MAN TAG TEAM NOT THE BEST PLAN.

2) NEVILLE & SAMI ZAYN vs THE DUDLEYS - 2/5 I MISSED IT, BUT MISSED NOTHING IMPORTANT
Back and forth offense, Zayne hit Bubba with a Helluva kick in the corner and Neville followed up with a Red Arrow and the pin.

3) CESARO VS. SHEAMUS - 2/5 OH MY GOD THERE'S SEVEN OF THESE
This felt slow and took way too long for anything interesting to happen. By the time it got decent, it was just about over. Cesaro put Sheamus into a sharpshooter, Sheamus thumbed him in the eyes, and then landed a Brogue kick for a pinfall. Crowd was dead, they didn't care about this match all that much.


1) CHRIS JERICHO & KEVIN OWENS vs ENZO AMORE & BIG CASS - 2.5/5 A JeriKO STATE OF MIND
Nice pre-match promo by Enzo & Cass talking about New York, liked it. Match on it's own was good, Enzo was selling big time while Owens was on a rampage. Owens launched Cass into the corner and did his cannonball roll a couple times. Planted Enzo with a Popup Powebomb followed up by Jericho's Codebreaker, they fuck it up and Enzo got wrecked, 1-2-3 pin.

2) CHARLOTTE vs SASHA BANKS (WOMEN'S CHAMPIONSHIP) - 2.25/5 STOP BOTCHING ALL THE TIME
The RAW match was really good. This wasn't. It was fine, but the botches really dragged it down, Sasha was out of it halfway through and whatever this could have been was gone after that. I don't know 100% what they were doing on the ropes, but Charlotte dropped Sasha on her damn neck. Sasha had Charlotte in the Bank Statement late, but Charlotte fell on top of her and got the pin and won back the title. I hope this wasn't supposed to be better than Bayley/Asuka.

3) THE MIZ vs APOLLO CREWS (INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP) - 1.5/5 COMMERCIAL BREAK
Was it supposed to be 5 minutes? Feels shortened for other matches, unfortunate. Crews did a few neat moves, but that was it. He hit his head on the post, Miz landed his finisher, end of match. The real winner was Maryse and that outfit, nice choice.

4) AJ STYLES vs JOHN CENA - 4/5 KICKOUT KICKOUT KICKOUT KICKOUT KICKOUT
In an alternate timeline, this match went on last. This was incredible, they teased a short finish and then went for 23 minutes. Both guys went all out with their moves, Cena launched AJ off the middle rope with an Attitude Adjustment, was stunned when AJ kicked out. AJ used his Styles Clash and Phenomenal Forearm, didn't get a pinfall. Even Cena tried to use the Styles Clash, but AJ reversed it into a SECOND Styles Clash, and then a second forearm to get the pin. The summary doesn't do it justice, seeing it is the only way to really appreciate it.

5) LUKE GALLOWS & KARL ANDERSON vs THE NEW DAY (KOFI KINGSTON & XAVIER WOODS) - 1.5/5 OKAY?
Jon Stewart showed up before the match and said he would be part of The New Day since Big E was hurt. Already this was a sign that the match would be bad. Everything that happened was just a setup for the GRAND FINISH. Jon went into the ring after Gallows and Anderson landed the magic killer on Woods, and then teased crotching Jon into the post for 50 years before Big E ran into the ring and beat them up. This lead to a DQ, but The New Day celebrated like they won along with Jon Stewart because his crotch didn't get destroyed. BOLLOCKS.

6) DEAN AMBROSE vs DOLPH ZIGGLER - 2.5/5 YOU MUST BE THIS WACKY TO WIN
Great buildup for this match. Dolph: "I won a championship before, remember me." Dean: "You are suck haha". This crowd is dead, holy shit. There was very little backing for Dolph and even when he would land his big moves and make any sort of comeback, the pops and reactions were scattered and small. He looked good and had a good match, but it wasn't his night. Dean was his usual self, can't tell you how many damn times he tried to land Dirty Deeds, lost count eventually. Dolph had one last shot with X-factor but Dean blocked and countered with Dirty Deeds for the pin. HEEL TURN INCOMING.

7) NAOMI & CARMELLA & BECKY LYNCH vs NATALYA & ALEXA BLISS & NIKKI BELLA - 2/5 - WELCOME BACK
This was hard to stay interested in. Nikki Bella coming back was nice, and a couple spots were good, but it just felt like something that i'd see on RAW. Carmella felt out of place here, I don't think anyone knew who she was. Nikki Bella got the pin for her team after hitting Carmella with a new(??) finisher, crowd was happy but still dead.

8) FINN BALOR vs SETH ROLLINS (UNIVERSAL CHAMPIONSHIP) - 3.5/5 DEMON UPRISING
OH GOD WHAT IS THAT BELT AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH DELETE THIS
So many nearfalls, felt like AJ/Cena. Nice pop for the Demon King entrance, impressive considering the show is over 3 HOURS LONG at this juncture. Crowd spent more time focused on the belt for the first half of the match, eventually realized "hey there's a good wrestling match happening". Finn must have kicked out of two Pedigrees and took just about every bit of offense Seth has to dish out. The comeback at the end for Balor was insane, Seth used his Fisherman Suplex from ROH, holy shit, Balor countering a Pedigree with a 1916, finally landed the Coup de Grâce after spending 5-6 minutes trying to do so. Great match.

9) RUSEV vs ROMAN REIGNS (US CHAMPIONSHIP) - 0/0 WE WANT SLATER/CM PUNK
we found a way to get Reigns cheered: don't have him wrestle

moving on

10) BROCK LESNAR vs RANDY ORTON - 2.25/5 NICE SHOOTIN' TEX
"WE WANT JUICE"
What a mess of a match. Randy is a fragile mess so you can't do much with him, and Borky Borkman has three moves so you can only do a couple of things. Orton got to land his finisher twice and Lesnar no-sold, he just got up and kicked Randy's ass. Orton looked roughed up late, Brock took off the gloves and elbowed him hard in the head, caused Orton to bleed badly. I'm guessing the finish was supposed to be something like this but not with that much blood, Orton looked fucked up. Brock wins by TKO, fans boo him out the building, HEY MAYBE THE TITLES SHOULD GO ON LAST HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.

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*begins to cry*

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I HAVE DELIVERED THE RKO OF TRUTH.

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Old news as of this post; according to Dave Meltzer, Finn Balor suffered a shoulder injury during the match vs Rollins when he took a powerbomb into the barricade. MRI revealed a possible labrum tear in his shoulder. He'd be out 4-6 months if that's the case. So the Universal Title is forfeit and a tournament is set up to determine a new champion.

I'm not saying I called it, but I called it.

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Hear that? That's the collective sound of kayfabe IMPLODING in on itself and a million wrestling fans in unison going "hang on, the Miz has a point here".

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Horray Curt Hawkins is advertised to return on Smackdown. I wonder if his return is gonna get as much of a push as Jinder Mahal's return: not a damn win. lmfao

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Jinder Mahal won his return match.

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Oh yeah.... I forgot about that. Poor Heath Slater.

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Real talk, I never have been much of a fan of The Miz, even going way back to his days on the Real World (yes, I'm old haha), and as much of a fan I am of Daniel, I just gained a bit more of respect for the Miz after this (regardless if this was scripted or not).

As much as you don't want to think about it, The Great Khali.

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